20 things I've learnt in my 20 years.

Dear fifteen-year-old Chloe,

I'm sorry that you're not looking out for yourself, or after yourself. I'm sorry that you think that this is what you deserve. You are worth so much more than you think. I'm sorry that the doctors didn't listen. I'm sorry that the school has caused so many problems. I'm sorry that you are feeling the worst you've ever felt right now and I'm especially sorry that you don't know how to deal with these feelings. 

A week ago, I started talking to a friend about being younger and what we wished we would have known. I then opened the question up to people who follow me online to answer "what would you say to your fifteen-year-old self?". The answers definitely varied everything from "I'd tell myself to just shut up", to more genuine answers and even a (trigger warning) "it's coming home".

In my twenty years on this ever decaying planet, I've learned some things that past me could have really made use of. From talking to a few of you, it's clear that you could too. So, without any more ramblings, here are 20 things I've learnt in my life that I wish I'd have known earlier.

1. People don't care as much as you think they do: this one was a revelation that came when I went to college. When all of a sudden people who I would have imagined wouldn't even look me in the eye would sit and chat over a coffee both in leggings and a hoodie. It really was a shock to see that people have their own stuff to worry about and you wearing the same hoodie twice in one week is the last thought on their mind. 
2. Standing up for yourself isn't bitchy: if there is something that isn't sitting right with you, talk it out. It might seem like you're stirring up trouble. But you have to make sure you're absolutely happy with your involvement in anything. Nine times out of ten, you end up saying what other people are thinking anyway. 
3. Reading is cool: honestly soak up all that free reading time you have. The clock seems to go faster when you're older and there often isn't those moments where you can cosy up with a book. It's a perfect relaxation technique, and as crazy as it sounds it really is a fast track to greater enjoyment study and research for later in life. 
4. Listen to your parents: Honestly, with my parents, this was hard to admit. I've always been pretty independent so I genuinely always believe I was right. As cliche as this sounds, they really are just looking out for you.
   
5. Listen to your grandparents: now this one is probably my most important note on this list. It is threefold. First of all, your grandparents have so much unconditional love for you it's insane, they only say things because they believe it's the right thing to say. Secondly, they see enough of your life to know what's going on, but they're not always directly involved, your grandparents are a wonderful outside point of view to refer to. And lastly, aside from their advice and rules, as heartbreaking as it is, they won't be around forever. Listen to their stories and their ramblings, let them show you old photos and teach them how to use Facebook and their new tv and phones. Cherise every moment with them, they're little pieces of wonder you'll never replace. 
   
   
   
6. You don't always have to be strong: Honestly, it's ok to cry. Anywhere, anytime, if you need to let down those barriers, I beg you to do so. Even if you feel like the only person holding things together, this is one time faking it till you make it won't work. You deserve to feel as much as everyone else. 
7. Ask for help: I can't explain how hard this realisation was for me. Asking for help is something I rarely did, and I weirdly took pride in this. From homework to medical help, as hard as it may seem, there is nothing wrong and nothing painful about asking for help. Believe me. 
   
8. Never forget to live in the moment: stop planning, promising yourself things based on what you expect of yourself. There are so many amazing things happening around you right now. 
   
9. There is so much joy in looking at photos: whilst living in the moment is amazing, memories are captured perfectly in a photo. If you get a chance to take a shot without taking away from what is happening, DO IT. They make for an amazing smile on a bad day and you'll hold onto that moment forever in that image. 
   
   
10. Prioritising yourself sometimes isn't selfish: Anyone that knows me will probably tell you I'm a mum friend and overall a very maternal person. I love looking after others and will do everything in my power to help make people's lives just that little bit easier. But sometimes I forget about my own stuff. Taking some time to just put yourself first is not selfish and is sensible. How are you meant to be there for others if you're not the best version of yourself?
11. Have house parties whilst you can: a little more lighthearted but nightclubs are shit and house parties are ace and the availability of those when you get old enough to go out are slim to none. Live your best life every chance you get and house party it up.
12. You don't have to have it all together, nobody else does: looking around you at any age you can feel as though everyone else has it all planned. They know how to pass that exam or what they are gonna do with their life. Yea,h some people are better prepared than others, but as long as you are happy and still trying you're doing great. Nobody has their shit together. You're fine. 
    
13. Don't be ashamed of a bargain: don't spend money on things you are never gonna use. It may look cool, but you're gonna spend most of your early adult life strapped for cash and if you can get a bargain, DO IT. Ain't no shame in value for money.  
14. Learn how to cook from family, not from recipes: I don't know if this is just me but recipes just don't materialise in something that is actually good. I'm academically minded so usually reading stuff and recreating it is my shit, but when it comes to cooking it's a no from me. Spend some time with the better cooks in your family, cook with them and see what they do, their little spins on meals that make them taste so good. Family time and life skills in one. Nailed it. 
15. Buy a slow-cooker: Again this may just be me, but after coming home from a late shift at work or uni, I don't even wanna think about cooking. That's when takeaway becomes tempting, and that's when you start to get fat and unhealthy (it's a slippery slope I've lived and regretted). My mind was absolutely blown when I realised it wasn't just stew and soup you could stick in the pot. If it was up to me I'd never use my oven again. I'm a slow cooker advocate through and through, it's just so handy.
16. Trust yourself: nobody knows you better than you do. Whilst, like I have already mentioned you should listen to your parents and grandparents, all of the decisions you make as you grow older are yours to make. Some of them are much harder than others and what might seem like the wrong decision to everyone else may seem like the best or only decision to you. It's your life and you have to live with the decision you make, not them.
17. Be honest, there's no point in living a lie: there are times in my life I've lived in little lies and I've often pushed an idealised version of myself. At the end of the day, the people you care about most, those who care about you most, will know the truth and deserve to.
18. It's ok to fail: damn this one hit me in the face like a bitch slap on steroids. As my earlier blogs have shown, in my early life I was PETRIFIED to fail, so much so that I either pushed myself too hard at the things I knew I was pretty good at or completely avoided those things I knew there was a possibility things would go bad. Failure really isn't that big of a deal, it often just gets you closer to definite success. Coming to terms with failure is the first sign that you will be successful. 
19. Your friends are as much your family as anyone: They are there through all the same things and hopefully will be around for everything to come. Treat them well and don't forget to keep in touch in times when they're not around the way you're used to them being. 
    
20. There is nothing wrong with baby steps: this is my absolutely lasting message. It's something I wish I'd have known from like age ten and want to remember for the rest of my life. Life is not a race and every small victory is still very much a victory. There is no time limit to your goals, let yourself be brave in your own time. 

I'd love to hear if you resonated with any of the things I have learnt or there is anything you think I should know about life going forward. I really appreciate all the answers that people gave to my Instagram and Facebook questions, they went into the list I created in many ways. Our fifteen-year-old selves should be proud of the people we have become, even if it wasn't what they were expecting. 

I want to be more active on here again moving into summer and my second year of university. I'm always open to ideas and if anyone wants in on a blog project I've had some thoughts. 

Until next time.

Much love, 

~ Chloe x

Dare To Dream

During the last twelve month the phrase "so what's the plan?" was completely banned in my house. Nobody except me was allowed to even whisper the idea and if they did it led to a heated debate and me sobbing my heart out.

I didn't know where I was in life or what to do next. Every opportunity I was blessed with led to me being told that I was either over or under qualified and I was sad and defeated. Most nights I searched the internet for jobs that didn't require a degree but were interesting, not to much success, and spent most days feeling worn down by it. I saw careers officers and college lecturers, most of whom made me cry, nothing seemed to fit. Most people just expected me to just go to university, not realising how scary that idea had become to me.

It took a really bad memory and a short stint in the worst job I've ever had to kick some motivation into me. In the space of three weeks I'd grovelled for my old (amazing) job back, I'd applied for a new university and started my course there. I stopped being scared, because I realised it wasn't that hard to allow myself to dare to dream. The process was petrifying and I still had a lot of intrusive, anxious days But for the first time since leaving my first university, I let my dad ask me what my plan was and I gave him an answer. I've began to apply this to more of my everyday life.

Recently I've been listening to a lot of podcasts, they help me sleep and help me relax whilst I study. They're usually completely irrelevant to my life and not often about things I'm planning to become invested in. However, I have thoroughly enjoyed every single one. Being a McFly fan from a young age, I heard about Giovanna Fletcher's (Tom Fletcher's wife) podcast based on her book 'Happy Mum, Happy Baby'. Currently, I am not a mum nor do I have any upcoming plans to be in the near future, however the honesty and lighthearted approach to some often incredibly sensitive issues (note: especially in her podcasts with friend Izzy Judd and husband Tom Fletcher) have really made me stop and think about a few things similar to apply in my life.

After going through awful experiences in life, we can't let ourselves be afraid to try again. We can't shut down and give up. Unfortunately, retiring to your bedroom in you parents house before you turn 20 is not an option. You have to get back up, dust yourself off and give life another go, however you approach it this time around. It might take time, and how long is a matter of the individual, but you can come back from this, whatever it may be.

I have officially decided to start writing a book, following the same lines as my blog and touching on stories like this. Hopefully, in the future I want to use my degree to become a motivational speaker, especially to students who don't feel like they're not heading in the right direction. This is something that January 2017 me would have found laughable, speaking in front of my family about struggles gave me panic attacks, never mind people I'd never met. Nevertheless, this confidence to let myself try and allowing myself to accept that failure isn't the end of the world has gotten me far.

Don't give up on the things you love, be that person that strives for perfection, but don't let yourself forget that failure is not the end. You don't have to be the best, you just have to be the best you can be.

Look after yourself.

Much love,

- Chloe x